They lived happily until they got married.
"What did one ghost say to another?"
"Do you believe in people?"
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My friend has a fine watch dog.
At any suspicious noise he wakes the dog and the dog begins to bark.
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They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak.
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"Room Service? Can you send up a towel?"
"Please wait someone else is using it."
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When I told the doctor about my loss of memory, he made me pay in advance.
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"Where did you get those big eyes?"
"They came with the face."
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I went alone on our honeymoon. My wife had already seen Niagara Falls.
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But the psychiatrist really helped me a lot. I would never answer the phone, because I was afraid. Now I answer it whether it rings or not.
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Sanjay : "I passed your house yesterday."
Anil : "Thanks I appreciate it."
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It was love at first sight. Then I took a second look !!
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"Look, guide, here are some lion tracks."
"Good. You see where they go and I'll find out where they came from."
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"Do you think I"ll lose my looks as I get older?"
"Yes if you're lucky."
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A modern artist is one who throws paint on canvas, wipes it off with a cloth and sells the cloth.
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"Has there been any insanity in your family?"
"Yes, doctor. My husband thinks he's the boss."
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I was thinking of becoming a doctor. I have the handwriting for it.
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Why did you hit your husband with a chair?"
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"I couldn't lift the table."
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"My wife doesn't know what she wants."
"You're lucky. My wife does."
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We have a quiet home life. I don't speak to her and she doesn't speak to me.
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Did you hear about the wife who shot her husband with a bow and arrow because she didn't want to wake the children.
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The quickest way to make tossed salad is to give fresh vegetables to an 18-month-old child.
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"What do use for washing dishes?"
"Oh, I tried many things but found my husband best."
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"How is your wife getting along on her reducing diet?"
"Fine. She vanished last night."
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"Why don't you give your husband a divorce?"
"What, I have lived with him for ten years and now I should make him happy?"
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"Young man, do you think you can handle a variety of work?"
"I ought to be able to. I've had 12 different jobs in four months."
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There are two kinds of secrets : one is not worth keeping and the other is too good to keep.
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"I heard you missed school yesterday."
"Not a bit."
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"I gotta 'A' in spelling."
"You dope! There isn't any 'A' in spelling."
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My wife is always talking about a trip to Europe.
I have no objections - I let her talk.
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There's one thing good about being poor - its inexpensive.
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Summer must be over. My neighbour just returned my lawn furniture
Memory is what tells a man his wedding anniversary was yesterday.
An unmarried man has no buttons on his shirt. A married man has no shirt.
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"My uncle has a cedar chest."
"My uncle has a wooden leg."
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"I want some current literature." "Here are some books on electric. lightning."
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There are two kinds of friends : those who are around when you need them, and those who are around when they need you.
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Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets.
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He met her in a revolving door and has been going around with her ever since.
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Behind every successful man, there is a woman - And behind everyunsuccessful man, there are two!
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Every man/woman should marry - After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.
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The wise never marry - And when they marry they become otherwise.
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Success is a relative term - It brings so many relatives!
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Never put off the work until tomorrow - what you can put off today!
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Your future depends on your dreams - So go to sleep!
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There should be a better way to start a day than waking up every morning.
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Hard work never killed anybody - But why take the risk!
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Work fascinates me - I can look at it for hours!
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God made relatives - Thank God we can choose our friends!
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When two's company, three's the result!
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82.6% of statistics are wrong...
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98% of the time I am right. Why worry about the other 3%
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If you can't laugh at yourself, I'll do it for you.
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If you can't make it good, make it LOOK good
-------------------------------------------------------
Illiterate?... Write for FREE HELP!
-------------------------------------------------------
Broken guitar for sale - no strings attached.
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But I don't have an "any key" on my computer!
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But I don't like the cat. Shut up and eat your dinner!
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The family that sticks together should bathe more often.
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The fridge light DOES go out. Now let me out of here!!!!
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The more you say, the less people remember.
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Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
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Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
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I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
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Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
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My Wife Says I Never Listen, Or Something Like That...
-------------------------------------------------------
Never hit a man with glasses... Use your fist!
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Never put off till tomorrow what you can ignore entirely
-------------------------------------------------------
He's dead Jim. Kick him if you don't believe me
-------------------------------------------------------
Oh yea? If you're so smart, why don't I understand you?
-------------------------------------------------------
Oh, I'm sorry, were the voices in my head bothering you?
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I can't remember the last time I forgot something.
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Time is the best teacher, but it kills all its students.
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Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
-------------------------------------------------------
Why remember quotes when you can make them up?
-------------------------------------------------------
When I was born they fired a 21-gun salute.
Too bad they missed.
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Should women have children after 35?
No, 35 children are enough!
-------------------------------------------------------
Are you coming for my 18th birthday party?
No, I went for that five years ago.
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No one has ever complained of a parachute not opening.
-------------------------------------------------------
Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free
Trip around the Sun.
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Your future depends on your dreams
So go to sleep !
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Work fascinates me
I can look at it for hours !
-------------------------------------------------------
God made relatives;
Thank God we can choose our friends
-------------------------------------------------------
Love is photogenic;
it needs darkness to develop
-------------------------------------------------------
Children in backseats cause accidents;
Accidents in backseats cause children !
-------------------------------------------------------
A Policeman catches a guy who was crossing the street at a wrong place
and shouts Why are you crossing here? Cant you see a zebra
crossing there ?
The guy replies Let the zebra cross. What can I do
-------------------------------------------------------
Do you know of a fellow who parked his car in front of
board which said FINE FOR PARKING
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A drunk was hauled into court. Mister, the judge began, you've been
brought here for drinking.
Great, the drunk exclaimed. When do we get started?
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Can you do anything that other people can't?
Sure, I can read my handwriting.
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Whom are you working for?
Same people. My wife and four kids.
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I heard you have a cat that can say her own name.
Yes. Meow.
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When a wife was asked: What book do you like the best?
She answers: My husband's cheque book.
